A schizophreniac's diary

His mind was spinning out of control for some time now. He decided to write down what was going through his head because he thought it might help him, or some poor soul that might get assigned to look after him one day when he finally snaps.

Tuesday, some month of who cares what year

Sitting in a café surrounded by familiar people, something surreal was building up in my head; I felt that if I had let it go wherever it was going I was going to completely lose touch with reality. I don’t know how I stopped it. I tried to focus my thoughts rather than letting them fly off since that might have been too overwhelming. I don’t know if that did the trick.

Middle of the night. Wednesday morning.

Woke up feeling completely empty. Is this due to my emotional void or because this goddamned vacation was meant to help me and all it did was make me hate myself even more. I feel worthless, self-loathing and misanthropic. Instead of sex, drugs and rock and roll this turned into a self-critical journey to enlightenment. How pathetic.

Drive home. Thursday.

On the drive back I felt like crying the whole time, held back only by the social stigma about men that cry. What a macho man. Funny, I completely reject most of these stigmas yet I find my behavior being heavily influenced by them.

I had a dream that I met a very beautiful, older woman. If God had a gender and it appeared on earth I would imagine it looked like her. Her beauty so unimaginable that I felt my senses couldn’t even comprehend it. Her face, even though I was aware of its beauty, was invisible to me. However, her significance didn’t lie in her divine beauty. She understood all my pain and suffering without us even speaking. She took me to a secluded room, without a word, took her clothes off and pressed my head on her warm naked breasts. All my pain went away. It seems, however, that even in my dreams I am not allowed to be truly woe-free because I woke up before I was even able to enjoy this feeling left behind somewhere in my childhood. What I feel now is the uncertainty whether I will feel like that again because everything I know about this world and the people in it makes me think I won’t. However, how much about things outside of this world do I know?

Sunday morning. My head hurts.

I turned over and looked at her. She is beautiful, caring and ,my God, does she know how to use her body. I don’t give a damn about her.

Diggin' with a smile

My brother, where do you intend to go tonight?

I heard that you missed your connecting flight

These lyrics popped into his mind as he was trying to figure out how he got where he was now. Gazing upon the star sprinkled sky he was reminiscing on the last 18 months of his life. He felt some sort of inner peace he had long forgotten about. His life in turmoil made up of only heartaches, headaches and backaches ceased to exist at that very moment and another being took over his body. A peaceful, wiser and more serene being. Many times he felt as if he was a man that was being buried alive by an endless avalanche of problems, disappointments and cards that he felt were unfairly dealt. He never knew why, but he never gave up, constantly reaching for that little light shining through all of it, even though at times it was so dim he could barely see it. He wondered as to what it was that made him, and countless other people keep digging, fighting and holding on to life even though at times it seems as wherever we turn to we get nothing but criticism, anger and lack of understanding. Every being has some sort if inner force driving him towards something better. Was it pride? Was it instinct? Was it a piece of God found inside of everyone? He did not know the answer to this, but he felt it was all of that and more. However, this very moment, everything was different. He was set free, his perspective on life changed from a self-pitying, hopeless one, to a more optimistic and accepting view. He realised that without everything he had gone through he would not be the man he was now; an educated, happy and wise man. A man that successfully emerged out of an almost shut grave feeling on top of the world.

The night was getting colder, he felt a chill run down his forearms and realised he'd better go inside or otherwise he will catch a cold and he didn't want to be sick during his holiday. He reached for the balcony door and as he opened it he saw that instead of the living room he was looking into a dirt filled room with weak rays of light barely protruding through. He was faced with it again...But this time, he started digging through with a smile on his face.